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I am a BITCH when I wanna be. -Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl





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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009
You know I still do.


December 22, 2009
Day 3

I can feel my heart slowly tightening again. Its starting to feel difficult to breathe. My head is throbbing. Probably because I haven't taken my dinner yet. I want to eat but nothing appeals to my taste right now. All I want to do is to curl up into a tiny little ball and squeeze all the pain inside of me until they all vanish.

December 18 would've been our 250th day together. I had been preparing for it because i kept on missing the other hundredths. Yes, I'm that cheesy. I wanted to make December 18 special because it was also supposed to be our Christmas celebration because he was set to leave the next day. And yes, that was supposed to be the last day we'd be together for this year. When we could be together again, that I don't know anymore. It breaks my fuckin' heart to not know the answer.

I don't understand why things had to end up like this. I love him. He loves me. I couldn't understand why love isn't enough to keep us together. How could I possibly move on and let go of someone who I know still loves me back? I want to hold on. I want to fight for us. I know I would hate myself if I let this risk go because I know there is still a great possibility for us to be happy again. Together.

But I've been weak. I chose to give up on us. I wanted to keep fighting for us but I'm just too weak and I hate myself for it. I left. Not because I don't trust him anymore but because I'm just too damn afraid to be hurt again. So much for weakness.