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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Monday, October 13, 2008
Weakling
My body finally gave up.
After weeks of not sleeping, not eating, not taking any rest, blah bla, my body gave up on me. I woke up this morning feeling really nauseous. My stomach was aching so badly. My head was throbbing but the pain was bearable. The urge to puke was really driving me insane.
Mommy and I have a couple of theories why I'm feeling this way. First, I was food poisoned by the food that we ate in the debut party that I attended last night. Second, according to mom, this is ulcer. I wasn't eating properly lately because of stress and diet due to my desperate want to shrink. My present figure is really pulling my confidence down. I'm being very superficial, i know. Anyway, lastly, burnout. I'm abusing myself too much that this morning, it gave up on me.
Right now, i feel very weak. I can feel my head throbbing although the headache is still very tolerable. I can feel my hands shaking. I can feel the weakness of my body. My back aches badly. My arms feel too heavy to function. My legs can't afford to stand. I can't even talk. My energy is so down that merely talking makes me feel so dead tired already. I pant between words. I can still feel my stomach aching although it's also much more tolerable now as compared to how i felt early this morning.
I want to sleep. I want to take a break. I want to breathe fresh air. I want to feel alive again. But i can't. I simply can't.
Today's the 2nd day of our lamayan editing for our BC 121 TV Production class. Of course, hindi lang BC 121 ang class ko. I also have a number of other things i have to attend to.
I am supposed to be in a shoot today. now. We are shooting the remaining 2 sequences of our short film- the final requirement for our TV Prod class. But I chose not to go. I won't be of any help anyway, which adds up to my frustrations for today because of my failure to attend to my duties as the director of this production. Demmit. I am just so lucky to have Dina and Karen as my groupmate. Thanks team.
Anyway, so so so many things are really bugging me right now. I am supposed to be resting but my mind's constantly wandering.
I still have to finish our BC 121 short film. We've only finished one third of it and our deadline's on wednesday already. Which reminds me, we still have to prepare for our mini event on wednesday. We'll be putting the presentation of our short films in public. Everybody's invited to join. And yes, i still haven't accomplished anything for this event.
Demmit. I'm feeling nauseous again. I want to puke. I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.
Anyway. Aside from my BC 121, i still have to complete my incomplete for my MPs 177 class. I'm okay with the SQ already. I just have to patch up and polish everything for the script.
There's also our COM RES 101 paper, which, according to our adviser, is very problematic. I want to die now. We only have one week to go before the submission of our final paper and we're not even halfway through our study.
Then there's our Comm120 class. Media Law. I have three cases to report. INC v CA, Estrada v Desierto, and the Motion for Reconsideration for the Estrada v Desierto case. I'm already familiar with the cases. I just have to muster everything.
My BC 103 is also super messed up. I still have three scripts that I need to submit. I'm almost one month late in submitting these papers. I want to vanish. Right now. weh.
We'll also be having the Final Production for our Radio Performance class this week. Ma'am Pinky's expecting so much from us. I don't want to let her down again.
But things doesn't end in my academic life. I've been missing so much on my responsibilities in Broad Ass. Marketing, Dulaang Kapiterya, Mascapade, Grand Alumni Homecoming, Broad Ass Month. Babawi ako, promise. Goodbye sem break.
And as if physical and mental pain are not yet enough, then enter emotional dilemmas. For the longest time i've been fooling myself to believe what I want to believe. I'm sort of aware that there is already something going on but still, i chose to be really selfish. I chose my own happiness. No. Scrap that. I chose my own pseudo-happiness. I thought i was getting to where I want to be. At least, i thought. Reality's been slapping reality to my face but i still chose to be insensitive. And now, the karma's on me. I just want to cry and run, run really far far away whenever this reality enters my already battered mind.
I promised myself before that i wouldn't fall for somebody who can't love me back. But some things are just out of my control. I don't know. I feel so lost. I don't know if i'm in love. Sometimes i feel like it. Sometimes i choose to not entertain the feeling. I don't know. I feel really lost. Completely lost. I feel shattered. And i don't know anymore how i'm going to pick up the pieces of me that's just so tired of everything.
Somebody told me that in cases like this, what i can just do is to wallow on my shittyness then move on. I know how to wallow. I just don't know how to move on. bitch.
I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.
After weeks of not sleeping, not eating, not taking any rest, blah bla, my body gave up on me. I woke up this morning feeling really nauseous. My stomach was aching so badly. My head was throbbing but the pain was bearable. The urge to puke was really driving me insane.
Mommy and I have a couple of theories why I'm feeling this way. First, I was food poisoned by the food that we ate in the debut party that I attended last night. Second, according to mom, this is ulcer. I wasn't eating properly lately because of stress and diet due to my desperate want to shrink. My present figure is really pulling my confidence down. I'm being very superficial, i know. Anyway, lastly, burnout. I'm abusing myself too much that this morning, it gave up on me.
Right now, i feel very weak. I can feel my head throbbing although the headache is still very tolerable. I can feel my hands shaking. I can feel the weakness of my body. My back aches badly. My arms feel too heavy to function. My legs can't afford to stand. I can't even talk. My energy is so down that merely talking makes me feel so dead tired already. I pant between words. I can still feel my stomach aching although it's also much more tolerable now as compared to how i felt early this morning.
I want to sleep. I want to take a break. I want to breathe fresh air. I want to feel alive again. But i can't. I simply can't.
Today's the 2nd day of our lamayan editing for our BC 121 TV Production class. Of course, hindi lang BC 121 ang class ko. I also have a number of other things i have to attend to.
I am supposed to be in a shoot today. now. We are shooting the remaining 2 sequences of our short film- the final requirement for our TV Prod class. But I chose not to go. I won't be of any help anyway, which adds up to my frustrations for today because of my failure to attend to my duties as the director of this production. Demmit. I am just so lucky to have Dina and Karen as my groupmate. Thanks team.
Anyway, so so so many things are really bugging me right now. I am supposed to be resting but my mind's constantly wandering.
I still have to finish our BC 121 short film. We've only finished one third of it and our deadline's on wednesday already. Which reminds me, we still have to prepare for our mini event on wednesday. We'll be putting the presentation of our short films in public. Everybody's invited to join. And yes, i still haven't accomplished anything for this event.
Demmit. I'm feeling nauseous again. I want to puke. I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.
Anyway. Aside from my BC 121, i still have to complete my incomplete for my MPs 177 class. I'm okay with the SQ already. I just have to patch up and polish everything for the script.
There's also our COM RES 101 paper, which, according to our adviser, is very problematic. I want to die now. We only have one week to go before the submission of our final paper and we're not even halfway through our study.
Then there's our Comm120 class. Media Law. I have three cases to report. INC v CA, Estrada v Desierto, and the Motion for Reconsideration for the Estrada v Desierto case. I'm already familiar with the cases. I just have to muster everything.
My BC 103 is also super messed up. I still have three scripts that I need to submit. I'm almost one month late in submitting these papers. I want to vanish. Right now. weh.
We'll also be having the Final Production for our Radio Performance class this week. Ma'am Pinky's expecting so much from us. I don't want to let her down again.
But things doesn't end in my academic life. I've been missing so much on my responsibilities in Broad Ass. Marketing, Dulaang Kapiterya, Mascapade, Grand Alumni Homecoming, Broad Ass Month. Babawi ako, promise. Goodbye sem break.
And as if physical and mental pain are not yet enough, then enter emotional dilemmas. For the longest time i've been fooling myself to believe what I want to believe. I'm sort of aware that there is already something going on but still, i chose to be really selfish. I chose my own happiness. No. Scrap that. I chose my own pseudo-happiness. I thought i was getting to where I want to be. At least, i thought. Reality's been slapping reality to my face but i still chose to be insensitive. And now, the karma's on me. I just want to cry and run, run really far far away whenever this reality enters my already battered mind.
I promised myself before that i wouldn't fall for somebody who can't love me back. But some things are just out of my control. I don't know. I feel so lost. I don't know if i'm in love. Sometimes i feel like it. Sometimes i choose to not entertain the feeling. I don't know. I feel really lost. Completely lost. I feel shattered. And i don't know anymore how i'm going to pick up the pieces of me that's just so tired of everything.
Somebody told me that in cases like this, what i can just do is to wallow on my shittyness then move on. I know how to wallow. I just don't know how to move on. bitch.
I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.