A Brat's Life.

You know I still do.

2009-12-22T23:12:00.003+08:00

December 22, 2009

Day 3

I can feel my heart slowly tightening again. Its starting to feel difficult to breathe. My head is throbbing. Probably because I haven't taken my dinner yet. I want to eat but nothing appeals to my taste right now. All I want to do is to curl up into a tiny little ball and squeeze all the pain inside of me until they all vanish.

December 18 would've been our 250th day together. I had been preparing for it because i kept on missing the other hundredths. Yes, I'm that cheesy. I wanted to make December 18 special because it was also supposed to be our Christmas celebration because he was set to leave the next day. And yes, that was supposed to be the last day we'd be together for this year. When we could be together again, that I don't know anymore. It breaks my fuckin' heart to not know the answer.

I don't understand why things had to end up like this. I love him. He loves me. I couldn't understand why love isn't enough to keep us together. How could I possibly move on and let go of someone who I know still loves me back? I want to hold on. I want to fight for us. I know I would hate myself if I let this risk go because I know there is still a great possibility for us to be happy again. Together.

But I've been weak. I chose to give up on us. I wanted to keep fighting for us but I'm just too weak and I hate myself for it. I left. Not because I don't trust him anymore but because I'm just too damn afraid to be hurt again. So much for weakness.

Non-sense

2009-10-19T04:00:00.001+08:00

Minsan kahit ikaw ang naka-schedule, kelangan mo pa rin maghintay dahil hindi ikaw ang priority. -Bob Ong

Why do people get hurt?
Because we expect.
We expect that today will be alright.
We expect nothing bad will happen today.
And yet, even if we expect the bad things to happen, something worse will suddenly happen.

I was expecting this.
And yes, it happened.
But why am i still hurt?
Maybe because I thought it would hurt less.
Because I already expected it to happen.
Or maybe because by expecting it to not to happen, i unconsciously expected it that it will not happen.

Balhblahblah.

Sana matapos na bukas.

Parang kanina lang, ang saya-saya.
Tapos biglang, boom.

Hello, world.
I feel sad, Kk?

Random Thought

2009-06-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

I'm contemplating whether i'm reliving(?) this blog or not. I've got so much thoughts in me but I don't know if it's right to put them here because something tells me it would only make everything else more complicated. So I don't really know. Until then, I shall keep everything to myself. Pag naloka na ko, sign na un na kailangan ko na uli magblog. Ciao.

Wait and have faith.

2009-05-21T02:27:00.000+08:00

IF only I could a little bit more INSENSITIVE, then life would have been easier to live.

I miss you.

2009-04-18T17:06:00.002+08:00

Right now, all i want is for you to be right here beside me and tell me that everything will be okay.

I miss. Three times.

2009-04-08T20:04:00.004+08:00

Things change. Quickly.

I never thought I'd feel this way towards something I used to love so much. I saw this coming but I never really saw myself so submerged in this situation. Outside the situation. I'm drowning. I'm trying to fight the current but I just can't find the way up to the surface again. I know I can be saved. Heck, I can even save myself. Being in this ocean has thought me how to swim in different strokes. But do i really want to be saved? I'm lost for words. I just want this feeling to end. I miss everyone.

Scared.

2009-01-25T22:27:00.003+08:00

Now, this is the part where i will suddenly take a halt and think about what happened in the past few weeks of my life.

I should be studying right now- writing that friggin' script about pots, reading that brain-draining reading about human communication, and yeah, drafting my interview script for my interview prod on wednesday. But for some unknown reason, i feel very uneasy. I feel like something is not right. I can't particularly point out what's causing me this feeling. I really don't know.

Be still, my heart. haha. If only it were that easy.

Have you ever felt how it's like to ride a roller coaster? Ako, hindi pa. Because no matter how much I try to, I just can't find enough guts to take the ride. That tempting ride. But instincts tell me this is how it feels like. THIS.

The nauseing mix of fear and excitement. You want to take the challenge the ride is daring you to take but something is holding you back. Something very strong but something you can't even see. You want to submit yourself to the ride because you know all too well that you'll be fine but you just can't do it. You start thinking what ifs. You wonder about all the negative things that might happen. The fear suddenly becomes greater than the excitement. Konti nalang, papayag ka na. Pero... pero... pero...

Why can't I just shut up?

I'm blabbering non-sense again, i know.

I need a squeeze. :(

Statement :)

2009-01-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

It feel super nice to live life when you've got every reason to be happy. :)

Quickmelt

2008-12-06T19:54:00.002+08:00

Gabriela Montez singing...
Because I liked the view
I thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

I'm such a cheeeeeeeese. Melt me now. argh.

Sincerely happy.

2008-12-06T19:21:00.002+08:00

Sometimes fooling yourself to believing what you want to believe in can surely make you really happy in the beginning but really sad in the long run.

I know. I should know.

But what the hell. Happiness is a choice. I'm choosing to be happy. This is what's making me happy. Although I can clearly see that I'm just submerging myself into foolishness, I still can't help it.

I tired to fight it. I really did.

But again, what the hell. I'd rather be temporarily happy than not be happy at all.

So yeah, somebody shut me down fast.

Raining inside

2008-11-25T03:36:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling really ambivalent about the Broad Ass Month nearing its end. I'm scared of December. But I'm more scared of 2009. I'm such a scaredy cat. :(

I've been fighting the urge to not cry in front of everyone earlier during our meeting. Everything's just piling up. I don't know how to feel anymore. :(

Life's a big bitch. Demmit.

unfinished

2008-11-01T15:42:00.005+08:00

The day i've been so looking forward to (or not) has finally arrived. It's already November 1. I can die now. Wah.

Flashback to everything that happened during the last three weeks of my life. For some stubborn reason, i stopped writing on my planner since the 2nd week of October. I don't know. Maybe I just felt too busy to do so or maybe I just felt too stubborn that I'd rather not remember all the stupid things that I did during the last three weeks of my life. I know, there were also a lot of ups during the course of the last three weeks of October. Just like our very successful BC121 finals or the Bataan Getaway that I had with the Assers. But generally, I'm really not sure. as I'm typing random thoughts now, all I can think of as I flashback to three weeks from now are the stupid things that I did which consequently led me to where I am now.

I still have looooooooooooooooooooads of stuff that I need to do for our grand celebration this November. It's my fault actually that I'm still not through with some of my responsibilities- no, slash the some- with most of my responsibilities. I don't know. Maybe because for a time I just reached my saturation point where I had to stop and rethink everything that I did and is still doing and ask myself if it's still worth it, if it still makes me happy, if it's still what I want. Right now, I just know that I HAVE TO DO THEM because I believe that someday everything WILL BE WORTH IT, everything WILL MAKE ME HAPPY, and yes, everything WILL BE WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED. Considering our stituation right now, someday may or may not arrivhie. But I really do pray for the former. I still pray for the best.

to be continued...

Hello November 3. Now, I can reeeeeally die.

November 3 is Judgment day. haha. Now, I'm really going back to the real world. I'll see the people who I want and don't want to see. I'll, no, this time WE'LL start working on our tasks together. Yes, it was hard, very hard actually, to work alone. Considering my stubborn attitude, it was very difficult for me to accomplish something during the sembreak because of the lack of motivation. I could have motivated myself, I know. But I was so friggin lost. I don't know. Ewan.

Now. In 4 hours time, i'll be travelling to my university. I'm really scared. As in scared. I don't know what to expect. I honestly missed, err, still miss the assers. But aside from that. Ewan.

Basta.

This is just another scatterbrain post.

Judgment Day.

No to TEMPTATION please.

Lord, help me.

Save Me. pewpepewpew. I feel like i'm going crazy.

Labo.

Blog Action Day

2008-10-14T21:37:00.005+08:00

On October 15, Wednesday, we in Bloggers Kapihan invite Filipino bloggers to participate in Blog Action Day 2008 by taking a stand on poverty.

Poverty is a reality that we cannot deny. We see it everyday. Many live with and in it 24/7. The imperative now is to change this situation. The Blog Action Day 2008 is an opportunity to get poverty out from under the rug where the government has consigned it. We hope that through this renewed focus on poverty, it will be a new start to better understand and not hide it, to offer real solutions not fake ones, to salve the poor people’s wounds and not give them doleouts.If you want to join Blog Action Day 2008, there are a number of things you can do.

1. Blog about poverty on Oct. 15. Share your your ideas on how we as a people should confront it. You may also write about the bright future ahead if we manage to finally solve poverty that, contrary to much-trumpeted statistics, continue to deny millions of our people the benefits of freedom, justice, democracy and prosperity. You may suggest links on poverty and how Filipinos are getting by or, better yet, share powerful and compelling of Filipinos taking action against poverty. Others may post photos and videos on or of our poor people that show their dignity amid their daily struggles to eke out a living. You may also start an online debate on anti-poverty measures amid the financial crisis gripping the world today.

2. Popularize the event by inviting other bloggers to go to this site, post the some buttons and banners on your blog and make sure to link back to this site.

3. Donate money or your personal to concrete actions that empower the poor and marginalized.

No doubt about it, now is the time to think and act on poverty.

If you choose to act, thank you in advance and kindly do the following so we and the world would know Filipinos taking a stand on poverty:

Register and post a comment here if you intend to join.

In your Oct. 15 blog post on poverty, please link to this post.

Thank you!

Grab this button and help us popularize Blog Action Day 2008 on your site:

So there. Here's the link...
http://blogactionday2008.bloggerskapihan.com/?p=1

_________________________________________________________

I hate me.

2008-10-14T20:58:00.004+08:00

Shempre naman diba, in the midst of my chaotic life, i can still find time to blog. haha.

I'm sort of okay now. Better. Way way better than last night. After typing my last blog entry, i really felt super weak. And as much as i hated going home in the middle of unfinished acads stuff, i felt too weak to insist that i stay here in my boarding house.

I had my check-up earlier this afternoon. Honestly, i felt sort of disappointed when i foudn out that my illness isn't one of those high-sounding disease I was expecting it to be. Minsan na nga lang ako magkakasakit, pabonggahin naman na natin. haha. Kidding aside, according to my doctor, I have Acute Viral Infection with Gastritis and Low Grade Fever. Yeah, right.

Mommy: Doc, kasi laging hindi kumakain yan. Nagpapalipas ng gutom. Saka nagdidiet din kasi iyan.
Doctor: Naku, masama iyan... (explains how Ulcer develops) Bibigyan kita ng gamot kaso tataba ka dito.
(Joyce looks at mommy with a very worried face)
Joyce: Tataba po ako? Wala na po bang ibang gamot?

hahaha. Imagine the horror in my face when the doctor said i'd gain weight by taking my medication. Haha. Anyway. Myca, Roxy, Longjay and I were having dinner earlier. According to Longjay, kung sa kanya daw ako nagpa-check-up, simple lang ang diagnosis niya sakin, fatigue and stress. You know, right? haha.

So there. 3 hours to go, Wednesday na. Presentation na ng 121 short films namin. And at 5am later, magshooshoot pa kami ng 2 sequences. How perfect can we get, right? weh. at least, may direksyon pa naman kami. We can do this. I know. I so know. ugh.

And lastly, because I'm feeling gaga again, let me just pour my bottle of WHINE here.

To you. As much as i want to say this to you in person, i can't. I hate you. I really really hate you. You make breathing so hard for me. Okay naman eh. Okay naman ako, ang lahat, pag wala ka. I can survive without you. Why do you have to complicate my life? eh. I hate you. Do me a favor. Go and be gone forever. I'll miss you but life will be so much easier that way.

PS. Don't worry, I also hate myself- just in case you find out that it's you i'm talking about here.

Weakling

2008-10-13T17:48:00.003+08:00

My body finally gave up.

After weeks of not sleeping, not eating, not taking any rest, blah bla, my body gave up on me. I woke up this morning feeling really nauseous. My stomach was aching so badly. My head was throbbing but the pain was bearable. The urge to puke was really driving me insane.

Mommy and I have a couple of theories why I'm feeling this way. First, I was food poisoned by the food that we ate in the debut party that I attended last night. Second, according to mom, this is ulcer. I wasn't eating properly lately because of stress and diet due to my desperate want to shrink. My present figure is really pulling my confidence down. I'm being very superficial, i know. Anyway, lastly, burnout. I'm abusing myself too much that this morning, it gave up on me.

Right now, i feel very weak. I can feel my head throbbing although the headache is still very tolerable. I can feel my hands shaking. I can feel the weakness of my body. My back aches badly. My arms feel too heavy to function. My legs can't afford to stand. I can't even talk. My energy is so down that merely talking makes me feel so dead tired already. I pant between words. I can still feel my stomach aching although it's also much more tolerable now as compared to how i felt early this morning.

I want to sleep. I want to take a break. I want to breathe fresh air. I want to feel alive again. But i can't. I simply can't.

Today's the 2nd day of our lamayan editing for our BC 121 TV Production class. Of course, hindi lang BC 121 ang class ko. I also have a number of other things i have to attend to.

I am supposed to be in a shoot today. now. We are shooting the remaining 2 sequences of our short film- the final requirement for our TV Prod class. But I chose not to go. I won't be of any help anyway, which adds up to my frustrations for today because of my failure to attend to my duties as the director of this production. Demmit. I am just so lucky to have Dina and Karen as my groupmate. Thanks team.

Anyway, so so so many things are really bugging me right now. I am supposed to be resting but my mind's constantly wandering.

I still have to finish our BC 121 short film. We've only finished one third of it and our deadline's on wednesday already. Which reminds me, we still have to prepare for our mini event on wednesday. We'll be putting the presentation of our short films in public. Everybody's invited to join. And yes, i still haven't accomplished anything for this event.

Demmit. I'm feeling nauseous again. I want to puke. I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.

Anyway. Aside from my BC 121, i still have to complete my incomplete for my MPs 177 class. I'm okay with the SQ already. I just have to patch up and polish everything for the script.

There's also our COM RES 101 paper, which, according to our adviser, is very problematic. I want to die now. We only have one week to go before the submission of our final paper and we're not even halfway through our study.

Then there's our Comm120 class. Media Law. I have three cases to report. INC v CA, Estrada v Desierto, and the Motion for Reconsideration for the Estrada v Desierto case. I'm already familiar with the cases. I just have to muster everything.

My BC 103 is also super messed up. I still have three scripts that I need to submit. I'm almost one month late in submitting these papers. I want to vanish. Right now. weh.

We'll also be having the Final Production for our Radio Performance class this week. Ma'am Pinky's expecting so much from us. I don't want to let her down again.

But things doesn't end in my academic life. I've been missing so much on my responsibilities in Broad Ass. Marketing, Dulaang Kapiterya, Mascapade, Grand Alumni Homecoming, Broad Ass Month. Babawi ako, promise. Goodbye sem break.

And as if physical and mental pain are not yet enough, then enter emotional dilemmas. For the longest time i've been fooling myself to believe what I want to believe. I'm sort of aware that there is already something going on but still, i chose to be really selfish. I chose my own happiness. No. Scrap that. I chose my own pseudo-happiness. I thought i was getting to where I want to be. At least, i thought. Reality's been slapping reality to my face but i still chose to be insensitive. And now, the karma's on me. I just want to cry and run, run really far far away whenever this reality enters my already battered mind.

I promised myself before that i wouldn't fall for somebody who can't love me back. But some things are just out of my control. I don't know. I feel so lost. I don't know if i'm in love. Sometimes i feel like it. Sometimes i choose to not entertain the feeling. I don't know. I feel really lost. Completely lost. I feel shattered. And i don't know anymore how i'm going to pick up the pieces of me that's just so tired of everything.

Somebody told me that in cases like this, what i can just do is to wallow on my shittyness then move on. I know how to wallow. I just don't know how to move on. bitch.

I hate myself. I'm such a weakling.

Jolog Post

2008-10-03T03:06:00.004+08:00

Another entry that I found in my drafts. haha.

I edited this entry again. hahaha. had to delete some parts. hahaha. love it.

Dated September 2008

should i or should i not? I'm honestly contemplating big time whether or not i should post this certain blog entry that i wrote out of sheer happiness. haha.

This is the downside of blogging, as they always say: you can't tell EVERYTHING in your blog. As much as i want to go into details of everything, i can't. It'll only make my life crazier. So so so. Compromise. I'll only post a fraction of my uber long blog entry, which until now i haven't finished yet. weeee.

Para jologs, tatagalugin ko na... Itodo na natin ang ka-jologs-ang ito. Magpaka-jologs na tayong lahat...

...Pero ewan. Hindi ko alam. Hindi kita maintindihan eh. Naguguluhan talaga ko. Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong paniniwalaan. Ang alam ko lang, kung ano nararamdaman ko. Ang alam ko lang makita pa lang kita... Sabi sayo eh, iba epekto mo sakin. Kung anu-ano na nasasabi ko dito... Pero gaya nga ng sabi ko, ang alam ko lang kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Iyong nararamdaman mo, wala akong ideya kung ano. Kaya naguguluhan ako...

weh. hinto. tigil. stop. enough. ayun lamang po. iyong kasunod? pag-iisipan ko muna kung ilalagay ko dito.

Actually, thinking about it, it doesn't really matter whether i post the complete message here or not. You don't read blogs. You won't read my blog. And in the first place, you don't even know that it's you i'm talking about here. Gaga kasi ako eh. I know, right? I can go on and on babbling about you without you knowing that i'm actualy babbling about you. Hayhay. BUT! shemps there's still this part of me which thinks and would really love to believe otherwise. Right. the gaga side of me. Oh well.

Random Rant

2008-10-03T03:02:00.000+08:00

I AM SO FRIGGIN' TIRED. :(

Wala lang

2008-09-26T00:32:00.003+08:00

Ang dami ko palang blog posts na nasa draft lang. haha. Ung iba, wala kasi akong lakas ng loob na i-post. Ung iba, ayaw tanggapin ng blogger (Or maybe they're just not meant to be posted). Ung iba, hindi ko lang natatapos isulat. Kunwari, ito...

___________________________________________________________________________________

My day was okay. Until now.

Weh. I want to strangle people right now. As in right now. Nakakainis talaga. Leche. Leche. Leche. And as much as i want to tell them how i feel right now, i can't. I just can't. foootra. Aaaaaaaaargh.

There. So much for my whining. tsk.

I hate you. I can't understand you.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Actually, i stopped typing this entry because i was with him/her when i was typing this entry. Kung puwede lang talaga manampal ng walang rason, ginawa ko na.

Again. I HATE YOU. dermiit.

bool-sheet.

2008-09-20T21:41:00.002+08:00

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

BULLSHIT.

In the midst of my busy life. I blog.

2008-09-19T01:31:00.002+08:00

I'll save my speech-slash-birthday gift for you later. After my bc102 prod. After we revise our comm res101. After we rehearse for DK. After i survive this day. IF i survive this day.

Oh well. Because i love life and i lovelife, i feel "senti" again. Die this jelly ace inside of me. Die you. Die.

Wadapaaak. procrastination is love. hahaha.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Here's an interesting survey i found in friendster. I've been meaning to answer this but i'll also save this for tomorrow. hahaha. i'm insane.

female survey: dont chicken out girls

Does your password have to do with a boy?
What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Are you a girly girl?
Small or big purses?
What are the signs you like a guy?
Do you enjoy drama?
Do you stay friends with your ex's?
Did you dress up on Halloween?
Do you call anybody by their last name?
How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY"
Do you wear makeup?
Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?
Have you ever cooked food for a guy?
Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Have you ever broken a guy's heart?
Eyeliner or Mascara?
American Eagle or Hollister?
Heels or flats?
Skirts or jeans?
Heels or sneakers?
Straight or curly hair?
Hoops or dangling earrings?
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Do you have a best friend?
What do you think about the person you like?
Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Do you like your life?
Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Do you ever wish you were famous?

IN A BOY:
Cowboy or gangsta?
Preppy or Punk/Goth?
Well-educated or Dropout?
Contacts or Glasses?
Good cook or took you out a lot?
Funny or Serious?
Romantic or Daredevil?
Cute or Hot?
Long or short hair?
Smoker or nonsmoker?

I'm excited to answer this survey. hahaha. But for now, tutulog muna ko. hahaha. Patay patay na sa radio performance ko mamaya. hahaha. :)

Bebeboor Look-a-like.

2008-09-17T02:39:00.005+08:00

I'm sooooooooo overflowing with acads, org, acads, org, acads, org, acads and ooooooooorg stuff to dooooo's. oh well, papel. I asked for this. I wanted this. I'll endure this. Go Supergirl! :)

Anywaaaaaaaay, i'm just taking a few minutes off from SUPEREVP-ing. Love life muna. hahaha.

I was browsing through multiply when I came through a couple of pictures which reminded me of somebody.

The folder contained pictures of Deborah's debut party. More specifically, it contained pictures of Dino Imperial who super duper resembles somebody i haven't seen for quite a while. Deborah was a schoolmate from CalSci. Somebody was also from CalSci. hahaha. Promise. High school people would definitely agree with me on this. Here are the pictures...

So there. Di ba? Come on. Don't THEY look super alike?

Okay. Yun lang. Mooooove on. :)

Confessions Galooooooooore.

2008-09-14T00:15:00.007+08:00

Because I'm slowly losing grip of my sanity. hahaha. I found this really jolog survey in the midst of my EVP-ing and Acad Mode. haha. oh well.

DISCLAIMER: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG SURVEY. hahaha.

CONFESSIONS.

1. Is anything wrong?

- WIth me? I think so. I haven't really been feeling well these past few days. More of emotional stress, actually. There are just so many things that are happening at the same time.

2. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?

- I erased my list of featured friends in friendster about a couple of months ago. Why? Simply because I could no longer feel the same attachment that bound us together before. Everything's changed now. It would be hard to go back to how it used to be. I may be the most idealistic person Camille knows but I'm really not feeling very idealistic about us. Again, so many things have already changed. I couldn't even look at her in the eye. I hate her so much that just the mere thought of her exasperates me already. Don't get me wrong. I tried to reach out. I did my part. I even visited her when the need to do so arouse. I did my part as her friend. But i felt her blocking me off. And I'm just not the type of person who begs for attention. If you don't like me, fine. I would do my part to change how you feel and to make you feel how i feel. But it takes two to tango. And to hope that she'll do her part is just whatever. I'm so sick and tired of everything.

(ayun naman. 2nd quetsion palang. hahaha.)

3. Do you want to go to college?

- I'm already in college. And I love my college. I love my course. I'm having so much fun. I'm enjoying school. And everything about school. Note: School. Meaning Academics. Period.

4. How many kids do you want to have?

- I want three! haha. Two princes and a little princess. :)

5. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

- Would pass for a yes. haha. Mommy and i are not super close. I don't tell her my super secrets. But we get along. We clash sometimes because we have the same personality but, yeah, our would pass as something good. As for my Dad, he's usually away. I don't get the chance to talk to him as often as i want to. We weren't brought up in a very chummy way by my parents although i could feel that they're trying to reach out to us. This one's a long story. Don't get me started. hahaha.

6. What did you do for your last birthday?

- Had my dream 'fairy tale' debut. It was very beautiful. It wasn't perfect but it was just right. It was what i wanted. It made me really happy. Big thanks to everyone who showed me their love for me by being in my party. hehe.

7. What were you doing at midnight last night?

- Lying on my bed. Listening to my ipod shuffle. Thinking about how stupid I was to believe in something that doesn't exist. Thinking about how i can start life again. And thinking... thinking... thinking... while listening to cheeeeeesy music.

8. Name something you cannot wait for?

- CCSHS Alumni Homecoming. I want to know if there is still something there. Here. So i can finally move on. Totally. Completely. Yes. Cheesy. hahaha.

9. What is one thing you would change in your life?

- As much as I want to change so many thing in my ultramega erroneous life, i wouldn't. Because wherever, whatever, whoever I am now is where, what, who He wants me to be. I don't believe in living in regrets. I believe that life is good when we're having fun (bambini, 2005). hahaha. I may have done sooooo many 'kagagahans' but that's me. And i've learned to love the imperfect me. Although alam ko naman na perfect talga ako. charows.

10. Last thing you ate/drank?

- Chocolate. It's called emotional eating. Man, i'm destroying my diet because of my stupid heartache. whahahahahaha. erase. erase. No heartaches. Gaga lang talaga ako. hahahaha. NExt!

11. Whats your favorite month?

- December, January, February.

12. What is your least favorite month?

- I don't know. Wala????? I really don't know. wala.

13. Do you like peanut butter?

- Yep! Peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the best. Pwede na rin ung peanut butter ni Kuya Monay sa UP. Kahit na mahal, masarap naman. :)

14. Who's making you feel the way you are right now?

- hahahahaha. Stupid Question. hahahaha. Somebody. Somebody. Somebody. weh. leche. naalala ko tuloy. hahaha. tama na. next!

15. Most visited web pages?

- Yahoomail, Friendster, Multiply, Facebook, Blogger, Google. The first one, for the most obvious reason. The next 4, for keeping connections tight. and for stalking purposes. hahaha. The latter for everything.

16. Last person to make you mad?

- Can't remember. Her? Please go back to number 2. hahahaha. or if not her, myself, maybe? hahahha.

17. Pepsi or coke?

- I'm not fond of softdrinks. Too much sugar makes me feel bloated and just plain sinful.

18. Have you hugged anyone in the past week?

- yep! I think. JV, some assers, and LOIS, my dear puppy. :) Note that, the question was who I hugged not who hugged me. I honestly need one. as in. right now. hmmm.

19. Fun thing to look forward to this month?

- CMC Alumni Homecoming. Meeting prominent CMC alumni. Aside from that, i don't know anymore. I'm so tired already. I just want to take a break from everything. But I can't. I have to work. work. work. And September means work. So yeah, nothing really 'FUN' to look forward to. Just same old boring stuff.

20. What do you think about your siblings?

- uhg. Kristina's so into her boyfriend. very high school. JV's thinner and is full of energy. Very elementary. I hope i have what they have. Time and love life. demmit. I am, ugh, toxic. Very college.

21. Do you have any pets?

- Yep! LOIS. my cute hush puppy. He's actually sleeping under my chair right now. cute. She makes me happy. now. :)

22. What's your favorite number?

- 06. Since grade school. I don't know why. I just like it. :)

23. What do you do after school/work?

- After school, i attend to my responsibilities in Broad Ass. or if i'm feeling too lazy to do so, i hang out with the assers. We kill time talking about anything and everything. We eat. We go wherever. We play. We watch. We do whatever. Then we go home. To sleep. no, erase that. We go home, to study til morning. Then go back to school. We hardly sleep. That's toxic. That's life. Saya!

24. Do you know how to swim?

- No! I want to learn how. Pero nabaon na siya sa limot. hahaha. SOmeday. Someday.

26. Do you have a crush?

- Yeah! I stalked him today. Googled. Friendstered. Multiply-ed. Which reminds me. I'll facebook-search him. hahaha. ayun. walang lumabas. demmmit.

FRIEND CONFESSIONS

1. Are you jealous of one or more of your friends?

- ugh. hmmm. hahahaha. i think i am. hahaha. jologs.

2. Have you known any of your friends your whole life?

- by whole, meaning since birth? Nope. Some i met during elem days, some during high school, and some just now. College. But yeah, some of them, i feel like i've been with them since birth. Friends are treasures. I value them so much. (pakshirt. cheeeeeeeeeese! hahaha)

3. Are any of your friends taller than you?

- naman! Kiki! hahaha. and many others.

4. Have you ever been mad by a friend?

- First, construct your question properly. Second, yes. Please go back to question number 2 under confessions. hahaha. Don't get me started. Life's a bitch. And so am I. hahaha.

5. Do you have your friend's phone number's memorized?

- No. Errr. no. I don't know.

6. Have you lost or forgotten a friends phone number?

- yes. I have a very bad memory. hahaha. and bad attention span.

7. Have you been to most of your friends houses?

- Their places? Nope. But most of them had been to mine. It has always been that way since high school.

8. Do you love most of your friends?

- I love my friends. Period. If i don't love you, you're not a friend. You're just an acquaintance or a colleague or WAS a friend. haha. labo.

HABIT CONFESSIONS:

1. Do you play with things when nervous?

- I play with everythign within reach. I also bte my nails. But I'm trying so hard to suppress it. That's why i alse have them manicured and painted daintily. So i could fight the urge to do so.

2. Do you have an odd obsession with knives?

- Duhr?! None. But I have an odd obsession over super super super soft pillows. and marshmallows. and gelatins. hahahaha. :)

3. Do you sleep with the door open or closed?

- Closed. I love privacy.

4. Is there at least one sound you can't stand?

- Right now? Her voice. hahahahaha. and his voice. Pwede ba silang burahin sa mundo? hahaha. or ako nalang burahin niyo sa mundo. hahaha.

5. What is your worst habit?

- whining and whining and whining and whining. and if i get tired of whining, i'll start ranting and ranting and ranting. Then i'll whine again and so on. haahahahaha. I'm seniora reklamadora. hahaha.

LOVE CONFESSIONS

1. Do you currently like/love someone?

- can i skip this? I don't know. I'm confused. hahaha. I think both. I'm in like and in love with two different people. hahahaha.

2. Do you want to kill one of your ex's?

- I've never had an ex because i'm an NBSB. BuT! I want to kill somebody right now. I don't want to see him ever again because it's just so hard for me to see him. I lose all my defenses when I see him. I hate him so much but i hate myself more because I know that no matter how much I hate him, I cannot hate him enough to not be moved by him, to not be controlled by him, to not fall for him. shet. die me. die.

3. Has one of your crushes ever called you self-centered before?

- hahahaha. oo, ata. i can't remember. I theeenk. hahaha. Oo. Because I am. I love myself, that's why.

PERSONAL OPINION CONFESSIONS

1. Do you think abortions are horrible?

- They are. I understand why people had to go through them. But I really just can't take the idea of killing something and someone at their most innocent state. Jozko. Walang kalaban-laban ung mga bata. As much as these mothers didn't want to be pregnant at the wrong time, these kids also didn't want to be made at the wrong time. They didn't ask for it. Wala silang kasalanan. Bakit sila ang dapat na magbayad. Bakit sila ang dapat isacrifice? oh well. i can go on and on and on. But i better stop now. I'm tired. hahaha.

3. Are you against or think gay marriage is bad?

- Who am I to stop people from being 'so happy together'? Again, much like in my argument in the first issue, i don't think these gay people wanted to be any 'different' in the first place. Some would argue that they can choose to not be gay. But I don't know. I think if you're meant to be a gay, you'll be one. Whether you like it or not. And as for us, girls and boys, we are very well awared that we, you, can never get to choose who to fall in love with. We can decide who to learn how to love but we can never choose who we'll fall in love with. That's why it's called 'falling' in love in the first place. There's this invisible gravity that pulls us towards somewhere really unexpected. And much like us, they too 'fall' in love with people. hahaha. and so on.

4. Is pink an ugly color?

- Are you seriously asking me that question? hahaha. Pink is LOVE. I can go on with another 99 reasons why pink is beautiful but i'd rather save that for another post. :)

5. Needles aren't so horrible?

- No. I''ve experienced worse. hahahahha. Paddle? charos lang. hahahahha.

6. You have plenty of secrets?

- hahahahaha. naman. period.

I'm sleepy. I better end this na. Ciao. :)

Random Random thoughts.

2008-09-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

Abstraction is beautiful when people come up with their own interpretation re whatever it is they're interpreting. So there. Bahala na...

For some stupid reason, i'm in a very low point right now. I knew this was going to come. I actually saw it coming. I knew all along. It was/is happening right in front of me. But I just didn't mind. Again. I just didn't mind.

My fault. I know.

I was stupid for a while. Swept away by you. And now i feel, like a fool.

Why? Because I was too selfish. I was too in love with myself. I was too pre-occupied with my own happiness. It has always been a me-world.

Who wouldn't be? I was enjoying every piece of it. I was having so much fun. I fooled myself into believing that there really was something there. I held on to what other people made me believe.

It's called Karma, babe. And it goes around.

I had my own set of theories. I knew, at the back of my mind, that I was right. And they weren't.

But what they wanted me to believe... No, what they wanted me to see, which i chose to believe, was something very beautiful- it's too tempting to resist.

Then again, i had my own set of strong theories. Something I've been pushing myself to believe but just couldn't find enough guts to. It was a very tough decision. I tried to fight it. Honest. I did. I tried. But to no avail. I couldn't fight it. It was a difficult battle. I surrendered. I gave in. I became happy.

Not for long...

I am a coward. I am a selfish coward who'd rather indulge in her fantasies and be hurt in the long run than soak herself in reality.

I don't like realities. Realities hurt.

I could drown if i stay here...

I know. This is reality. And yeah, I am hurt.

Wake up, Princess. Your Fairy Tale's over.

My life is brilliant. (and full of sarcasm)

2008-09-11T16:16:00.003+08:00

I miss you blog. I want to kill somebody right now. hahaha. End.

I Miss You, Love.

2008-09-08T10:05:00.003+08:00

This blogpost is two days overdue. :)

About a week and two days ago, i had one of the most beautiful dreams i've ever had. It was almost too fairy tale-like. And as i said in my previous post, it was sooo beautiful that the moment i realized that i was only dreaming, i refused to open my eyes and forced myself back to sleep. Hahaha. I'm quite well aware naman kasi that whatever i dreamt of that saturday morning was/is really far-fetched.

Now, fast forward to exactly one week after, I had another beautiful dream. It's about somebody really really special. Had i dreamt of this in the past, i would've called it another miracle came true. But i don't know. I knew, while i was dreaming, that i wanted it. But something has already changed. I liked how he felt towards me in my dream but it wasn't what i was asking for. I was happy that i finally had his attention but i was looking for something else. or someone else. When i woke up, i kept thinking of my dream and him. There was still this weird-slash-happy-slash-excited feeling whenever i think of him but something really has already changed.

I'm trying to block off the idea that maybe i was/is feeling this way because somebody else has already occupied his space. Maybe. Possible. But it's really still too early to say.

Moving on is such a big idea. It has been so many years already and yet there's still something there, something unexplainable, that suddenly makes me feel weak whenever i think of what we had. or never had. (pakshirt. ang cheesy.)

Oh well. I haven't seen him for 10 months already.

Maybe I just miss him. big time.

my dreams came true when i found you, my miracle.

UP Pep Squad did it AGAIN! CHEERS TO UP!

2008-09-07T19:23:00.002+08:00

UP FIGHT!

WoooohoooO!

Ang galing-galing! Congratulations UP! woohooooo!

Ang saya talaga. Although i would be happier if i was there with the Assers. Eeeeh. Kasi naman, KJ 'tong dysmenorrhea ko. feeling ko talaga mamamatay na ko kanina. haha. Waaah. nakakainggit ung mga nasa Araneta! sayang talaga! waaah.

Hemmingwaaaaay! I'm so happy for UP! Number 1! Galing!

Assers. may naisip ako... hahaha...

CHIEF PRIMITIVO: TRIBOOOOO! SUGOOOOOD!

hahahaha. labo. pagpasok ng UP pep sa stage, DK kagad naisip ko. haha. panalo!

SUPERMAN is LOVE

2008-09-07T03:28:00.004+08:00

I'm so in love with SUPERMAN.

Last week was another hell week but not as hell-ish as last last week. I had 2 productions to prepare for plus a comm res paper.

My TUESDAY was half crazy. I didn't attend my journ101 class because i felt so lazy to. hahaha. come on. that was the first time i did that this school year. plus, there's not much to miss. just a couple of lectures. haha. stubborn mode.

The only class that i attended that day was my i-wish-i-didn't-take Media Law class. Given a choice, i would really love to drop that class. Not because I was having a hard time academically but because of something that's just not worth it. oh well. life sucks. sometimes.

WEDNESDAY. I DIDN'T HAVE A CLASS. but it was still mega tiring. I woke up early to do my EVP stuff. Then rushed to SC to have my pics for my Music Interpretation production printed out. Then met with Rona, Dina and Karen to rehearse my camera shots for my production. Exte meeting pa after. And as if i wasn't very very tired yet, i still had to go to SM to buy props for my Music Interpretation production. Then Mareng Carrie and I met with Longjay and Rox over dinner to discuss some Broad Ass stuff. Tapos, pag uwi sa bahay, prepare galore for my Music Interpretation production until 6 in the morning.

THURSDAY. M.I. PRODUCTION DAY. I overslept for 2 hours. I was only aiming for 3 hours of sleep. But no, nakatulog talaga ako ng bonggang-bongga. Good thing, we didn't have a class in my BC103 (radio scriptwriting class). Kundi naloka na talaga ako ng bonggang-bongga. so Ayun naman, muntik na ko malate at ma-5.0 ng walang kalaban-laban. BUT! I'll talk about this later. hahaha. Mahabang kuwento ito. :)

FRIDAY. Comm res and BC 102 (Radio performance) overlapped. We finished our consultation with Ma'am Almond re our research instruments at around 1145am. We have to submit our final instruments by 4pm. My BC 102's at 1-4pm. Meaning, Dina, Karen and I only have 1 hour and 15 mins to finish everything. BUT! for more, Broad Ass genmeet's scheduled at 12pm, same day. We didn't have any choice but to skip the meeting to work on our paper. Good thing Roch took the initiative to work on our paper while we're having our midterm performance for our BC 102 class.

BC 102 was crazy. Again, we disappointed Ma'am Pinky. Good thing we were able to redeem ourselves. During rehearsals, i was having a really hard time changing voices and avoiding falling into a pattern. The moment i got hold of the mic in the talent's booth of the radio studio, i literally shook away all the nervousness in me and ACTED in front of the mic while reading the script (as in with facial expression and hand gestures and all). I swear i could feel my knees wobbling big time. Gusto na talaga niyang bumigay habang binabasa ko ung script. But no, di puwede. As i read on, to my surprise, i was actually enjoying what i was doing. Bottomline, Ma'am Pinky said I did pretty well. I was very happy.

Good thing there was wifi in the radio studio because as soon as i finished my radio performance, i hurriedly logged on to meebo to chat with Roch and finish our Comm Res paper. Take note. i was doing this in front of Ma'am Pinky. ahahaha. Buti nalang nakapikit siya kapag nakikinig sa mga radio performers. :) We were able to finish it late but Ma'am Almond accepted our excuse, anyway. Weee! :)

So there. Masyado na tong mahaba. hahaha.

BACK TO THURSDAY! PRODUCTION TIME. I've been preparing for my production since last saturday. It ate most of my time and allowance. Broad Comm people sure know what i meant by this. Grabe lang talaga ang buhay sa mass comm. Haggard kung haggard! My TV Productions meant sooooo much to me. If there is a subject right now where i really want to excel in, that would be in my TV Prod class.

I was the first person in our class to have a three-camera set-up for a live production. Woohoo! Nagmamaganda lang talaga ako. hahaha. Gusto ko lang pahirapan sarili ko. hahaha. Seriously now, I wanted to give my cameramen longer time to prepare for their shots. (Background: For our Music Interpreation Production (MI), we were asked to produce a LIVE music video using only stills and camera movements.)

So there. I was able to use my 10mins preparation time wisely. My 5-min airtime was a breeze. Everything really went well. As in everything. I could already feel SUPER HAPPINESS creeping to my bones when i heard the bridge of SUPERMAN. Then i dissolved to VTR. Then i stopped the master tape. Faded out sound and vision. and thanked my crew. Then silence. Then SUPER HAPPINESS. Then everybody suddenly applauded. And Roch , my Tech director, and Jenin, my VTR person, hugged me at the same time. Then it dawned on me. I did it. I was SUUUUPER happy. Then i turned my director's chair to look at Ma'am Jane. She was smiling and mumbled something which sounded like,

"GOOD JOB!"

It was one of the best feelings in the whole wide universe. I was SUUUUUUUUUUPER HAPPY! I hurriedly went down to the floor to thank my crew personally. Everybody was talking at the same time, mumbling words that were just too good to be true, but were REALLY TRUE. I hugged anybody and everybody i could reach. I was so overwhelmed with happiness.

SUPERMAN, the song i chose for my MI, was the last live production that i had to do for my TV prod class and it was one of the best experiences i've had so far in my broad comm life. And i wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of my SUPER CREW!

SUPER THANK YOU CREW!

Thank you DINA, KAREN, and RONA for being super great camerapersons. I coudln't thank you three enough. :)

Thank you NICOLE for being such a great, perky and focused FD. I had fun talking with you over the headphone. haha. Your being relaxed helped me relax too.

Thank you MISCHI, BERYL, LINDO, MARIAN, ANJ and KAY for a job well done as my GFX persons. You made my life soooo much easier.

Thank you APRILLE and JENIN, my VTRpersons, and SAM, my AE, for being very supportive. It was nice to have you all with me in the control room.

Thank you TIN, for being a great AD. I really appreciate your help.

Thank you ROCH, for being a very attentive, dependable and cool Tech Director. I swear, you really did a great job.

Of course, thanks to our beloved prof, MA'AM JANE. Nothing kiss-ass here. I wouldn't have been able to do everything without her much effort to teach us what we had to know.

Second to the last, thank you BROAD ASS. Really. I wouldn't have been able to do everything that i did in my MI production and even in my past productions without the knowledge that i was and still is getting from the org. It was in BROAD ASS that i first learned of the technical concepts of headroom, babad shots, and camera shots, and of course, the very concepts of time management and batch unity. At marami pang iba. I love Broad Ass more than three times. :)

And last, but definitely not the least, THANK YOU GOD. You are the real SUPERMAN. :)

THANK YOU ALL! my last week was super crazy.

But see, I learned. (Nido, 2008)
_______________________________________

Blast from the Past

2008-09-07T03:11:00.003+08:00

Because blogger was crazy and i couldn't log in for the longest period of time, i resorted to blogging my scatterbrain thoughts in multiply.

Here are some of them.

____________________________________________________________________

SQUEEZE ME.
September 01, 2008

Somebody squeeze me.

Promise.
I just need one good squeeze.
One super-duper-tight-i-can't-breathe-anymore squeeze.

Or just shut me down.

oh well.

Welcome back, reality.

____________________________________________________________________

A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES
August 30, 2008

Uy, BLOG! Musta? I missed you. haha.

After a tormenting week of acad requirements, i finally went back home last friday afternoon. For those who know me, going home in a friday was something i wouldn't usually do. But, man, i was really tired.

I hardly had a decent sleep last week. Define acads load talaga. I had a news copy which is worth 30% of my grade in Journ101and that gruelling report in Comm120, which until now i haven't finished doing, both due on tuesday. Then I had my DJ Production-slash-DZUP boarding on wednesday afternoon. Thursday morning, i had to submit a drama script for my radio scriptwriting class. It's 30% of my grade for that subject. Then the much anticipated Magazine Production for my TV Prod class. Both sumitted and performed on thursday. And to cap my week off, Comm res paper on friday.

Define sleepless. define haggard. define toxic.

WTF. I know, right?

Anyway. Right now, what matters most is that i was able to survive the really hell-ish week. I was average. Actually, a little above average. hehe. sige na.

Tapos ayun naman. Kaya nung friday, pahinga galore. Ang sarap lang matulog nang walang iniisip. Actually, i still have so much to think about. Pero naman. pahinga muna. hehe

SO ayun nga. *scatterbrain processing* haha.

My Saturday morning sleep was one of the best. Not only because i dozed off for a total of 12 hours straight but also because i had one of the most wonderful and beautiful dreams i've ever had since i knew sleeping. haha. labo.

DO you remember that song by Cinderella, A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes? That is the perfect description for my dream. It was like a dream came true. and to be really cheesy about it. It was more like a fairy tale came true. hahaha. Promise. Ang saya talaga.

Tapos have you ever had those dreams which felt so real? as in parang totoo talaga? That's how it felt. haha. It felt so nice that the moment i realized i was just dreaming and was about to wake up, i refused to open my eyes. hahaha. As cheesy as it may sound, i didn't want the dream to end. Come on. Ang saya na eh. talaga. hehehe. Pag nangyari un sa totoong buhay, perfect na talaga. As in define happiness. :)

My sleep was so good that the moment i woke up, for real, i had this weird smile on my face. hahaha. I would've loved to talk more about my dream pero wag na lang. hahaha. baka mawala ung weird and happy feeling. hahaha. at saka para less controvery. I love peace. :)

I know that whatever i dreamt of was never going to happen in reality. Actually, not that it's impossible because it's possible din naman in some ways to happen. But it's really complicated. haha. forgive my scatterbrain mode. Sabi nga ni Cinderella sa Rodgers and Hamerstein's version, Impossible things are happening everyday. So why not? Right? hahaha.
Dream on, miss. haha. i know. :)

Basta ang predicament nalang ngayon, how i'm going to face the characters of my dream when i go back to reality. hahaha. baliw mode na naman, im sure. kasi naman eh. hehehe.

So ayun nga. Sabi nga ni kaibigang Cinderella, a dream is a wish your heart makes. It's not really a vision of what will happen in the future. It's more of what you're suppressing in your subconsciousness. And i wasn't even aware that i had, err, have those in mine.

Sunday na.

Oh Well.

Back to Reality.

____________________________________________________________________

I'M JUST TRYING TO LOOSEN UP
June 28, 2008

"Stressful!" I love it whenever Ma'am Pinky says this word. And yeah, stressful.

Life has always been a roller coaster ride. and i'm still gaga as always. But i think what's really important now is that, no matter how crazy my life is, at least i have all the love that i need to get going.

*sings* love. love. love. lalalove. makes the world go round.

hahaha. No, i'm not in love. I'm just full of love. And i love it. I'm very tired but i'm happy.The latter matters more than the former although it's a 70:30 ratio. So there. I'm a blabber. a happy blabber. :)

____________________________________________________________________

CUHRAIZEH LIFE
May 25, 2008

In elementary and high school, we do the scientific process when we want to prove something. Pass or Fail.

I'm not very fond of science. I'm not bad at it. I just don't like it. That's why i took Broadcast Communication as my course in college. And now, i'm stuck with my production and writing classes. And duhr, prod life's way way different from geeky science life. I'm sooo judgmental, i know. haha. You're only given one chance during a production. It's not a pass or fail experiment which you can do over and over again.

Bottomline, dahil wala akong mapaggamitan ng natutunan ko noong elementary and high school, gagamitin ko nalang siya sa buhay ko. haha. Great, right? Real-life application of classroom-learned lesson.

The SCIENTIFIC PROCESS.

1. DEFINE THE QUESTION.
Question: Is she the one or is she not?
- No. No. No. I'm not lesbo. haha. Teka, pano nga ulit magformulate ng question scientifically? ugh.

2. GATHER INFORMATION AND RESOURCES (OBSERVE)
- I did this for a month. I observed. VERY MUCH. haha. I observed and observed and observed. I gathered information. I stalked. I fished. I researched. then i observed again.

3. FORM HYPOTHESIS
- from the information i was able to gather, i came up with the hypothesis that, yes, SHE IS.

4. PERFORM EXPERIMENT AND COLLECT DATA
- Haha. Yes, i did the experiment. Ang galing ko. hahaha. nagawa ko talgang mag-eksperimento. Parang case study lang sa Speech 115. I conducted a survey. I did a focus group discussion. I interviewed people. I researched for evidences to support my hypothesis. I collected all the necessary data. Puro first-hand information. Very reliable data. haha.

5. ANALYZE DATA
-and then i analyzed everything that I got. and analyzed. and analyzed. Until i overanalyzed. hahaha.

6. INTERPRET DATA AND DRAW CONCLUSIONS
- the result? YES, SHE IS. my hypothesis is correct. He likes her. Camaaaawn. hahaha.

7. PUBLISH RESULTS
- fine. hahaha. here's the result.

8. RETEST
- duhr? ayoko naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! stop. delete. enough. enough. enough. i dont waaaaaaaaaant. gaga.

So there. My case study's finished. I'm the greatest. Camaaaaaaaaawn.

P.S. I was watching Victor, my labiduds, in your song. At the of the program, a quotation was shown. This is for us, Athena. hahaha. :)

True love doesn't have a happy ending. True love doesn't have an end. -Herman Hesse

P.S.S. I'm not in love. Okay? hahaha.

____________________________________________________________________

HANDWRITING ANALYSIS
May 17, 2008

Because i'm exhausting my BUM hours...

My handwriting analysis.

Mary Joyce uses judgment to make decisions. She is ruled by her head, not her heart. She is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see her as unemotional. She does have emotions but has no need to express them. She is withdrawn into herself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Mary Joyce does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets her mad enough to tell her off, she will not be sorry about it later. She puts a mark in her mind when someone angers her. She keeps track of these marks and when she hits that last mark she will let them know they have gone too far. She is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All her conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. She is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, she has poise.

Mary Joyce will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. She would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, she will show her love by the things she does rather than by the things she says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because she feels her mate should already know. The only exception to this is if she has logically concluded that it is best for her mate to hear her express her love verbally.

Mary Joyce is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to her, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of her sound judgment. She will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. She will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and she will always ask "Is this best for me?"

Mary Joyce tends to write a bit smaller than the average person. When a person's letters are small and tiny, this indicates an ability to focus and concentrate. This character trait is a huge asset in careers like math, science, race car driving, and flying planes. However, if Mary Joyce writes tiny all of the time, she will also display characteristics of someone who is socially introverted. Mary Joyce will often sit on the sideline and watch others get the attention at parties. she might be willing to open up and be warm, but only in small groups or a select group of people. When she is busy working on a project, it is common for all other noises and distractions to just fade away and her ability to focus is incredible. When she says "she didn't hear you", she really means, she didn't hear you.

Mary Joyce is secretive. She has secrets which she does not wish to share with others. She intentionally conceals things about herself. She has a private side that she intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in her past.

Mary Joyce has a desire for attention. People around Mary Joyce will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.

In reference to Mary Joyce's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Mary Joyce slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Mary Joyce can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Mary Joyce is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Mary Joyce basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Mary Joyce is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Mary Joyce is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

Mary Joyce has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. She lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Mary Joyce has no white space or margins on a typical sheet of paper. Mary Joyce fills up every last inch on the top, right, left, and bottom. Hmmm. If this is true, then Mary Joyce has a very aggressive personality toward others and quite frankly lacks a bit of respect for the space and property of other people. I would be surprised if Mary Joyce just comes into someone's home and helps herself to a drink in the refrigerator. This can be both an obnoxious personality trait and it can be assertive and effective in getting what you want. There isn't much fear of getting in trouble here, Mary Joyce finds plenty of reasons to break the rules and get in trouble. (Okay, perhaps when she was younger, not anymore?) Basically, people with no margins are a handful.

____________________________________________________________________

THAT HIGH SCHOOL FEELING
May 17, 2008

Before anything else, i would just like to rant rant and rant about how much i hate blogspot now. yeah, just for now. Takte talaga. Why the hell can't I sign in? I hate you, blogspot. i really do. grrr.

So there. I won't let my hate for my cheesy blog get in the way of my uberly nice mood tonight. Kung ganito lang lagi ang mood ko, masaya ang buhay. hehe.

Ayun naman. Today is the first day of my vacation. Yes, oh yes! Ngayon palang ako makakapag summaaaaaaar! For this weekend, i just want to be selfish. I don't want to think of any of my responsibilities. I just want to chillax. I just want to breathe. I just want to feel alive again.

At dahil nga BUM (i so love this word) ako ngayong weekend, wala akong ginawa kundi kumain, manuod ng american idol season marathon at magstalk sa net. haha. The last is the cause of my as-of-the-moment happyness. as. broad ass. i miss broad ass. already. :'(

Anywaaaaay. So i was stalking a few people i know. Haha. Camaaawn, hindi lang ako gumagawa nito. I know a lot of people who also do on-line stalking. hahaha. anyway, ayun nga. May iniistalk akong somebody. actually, marami sila. pero pinakanatuwa ako sa isang ito. Itago nalang naitn siya sa pangalang Mr. C. As in Mr. Crush. hahaha. Camaawn. Im so high school. haha.

Mr. C is my crush. obviously. Sabi ng mga tao, papasa daw kami bilang loveteam. Camaaawn. hahaha. Sabi ko dati, no way. haha. Hindi kasi siya ung tipo ng taong magugustuhan ko. knowing me, no way talaga. hahaha. Pero dahil sa isang hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, napansin ko siya. At simula noon, sinimulan ko na siyang pansinin. at ayun naman, tuluyan ko na siyang napapansin.

Pero kahit na may 'crush' na ako sa kanya ngayon, hindi pa rin kami puwedeng magkaroon ng something. Matibay kasi ang paniniwala ko na may gusto siyang iba. Hahaha. I really swear. I can so feeeeel that he likes her. Camaaawn. I can give 10 super mega valid reasons right now why I THINK he likes her. oo, nagmamagaling ako. I'm telling everyone that my theory is right. hahahaha. Pero chill lang. Kung gusto man niya siya, keri lang. I'm happy for them. Magsama sila. I swear. Magsama talaga silaaaaa! And no, i'm not bittergourd. I'm so not.

Hahaha. Seriously, sa pagkakakilala ko naman sa girl, oh yes, close kami. charos. hahaha. Mabuting tao naman siya kaya safe naman si Mr. C sa kanya. And i honestly think na bagay sila. NO bitterness here. promise. :) Pero kanina, habang iniistalk ko si Mr. C, parang gusto ko nalang maniwala sa mga tao na puwede nga kaming maging loveteam. camaaaaaawn. hahaha.

Kumusta naman ang jolog kong blog entry.hahaha. i swear, ang kadiri ng feeling. pero masaya. hahaha. i wouldn't elaborate on my reasons why i said we can pass for a loveteam. Pero ayun nga. Masaya lang kasi nakahanap ako ng mga rason para isiping posible nga na crush din ako ng crush ko. hahaha. Camaaawn. ang high school talaga. But don't we all just love this oh-so-high-schoolesque feeling? hahaha. jologs talaga.

Oh well. Bukas, wala na tong feeling na to. i so bet. This is just a phase. I know. Pero sana it stays with me longer. I like how this temporary happiness makes me feel happy. For a while, nakakawala siya ng mga problema. It's like living in a daydream. Lahat ng gusto mong mangyari, nangyayari. Minsan ang saya lang na lokohin ng sarili na puwedeng mangyari ung mga iniisip mo. na posibleng mangyari ung mga iniisip mo.

Pero honestly, sana nga tama ung iniisip ko ngayon. For a long time, pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na gusto niya ung iniisip kong gusto niya. For tonight, iisipin ko muna na ako ang gusto niya. hahaha.

This weekend is all about me. Selfish ako ngayong weekend. And i so swear, it feels really good. hahahaha. :)

Blog, I missed you!

2008-09-07T00:24:00.000+08:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! I missed you blog! :)

Kerengkeng Survey.

2008-08-30T02:08:00.002+08:00

Because I MISSed This. :))

1. Bakit ka pa single hanggang ngayon?

♥ kasi ayun naman. tanga sila. haha. i swear.

2. Nainlove ka na ba sa taong hindi mo pa nakikita?

♥ have not and will not.

3. Nagkakacrush ka naman ba?

♥ yep.

4. Mga friends mo rin ba single?

♥ Most of them are. hahaha. It's a curse, mind you. Pero. Lumalovelife ang marami ngayon. BUt they're still single. It's complicated, simply put.

5. Describe being single.

♥ happy-go-lucky. carefree. independent.

6. Choose: steady bf or gf, mu, flirting?

♥ steady BF. camaaaaawn.

7. Favorite color (kahit walang connection!)

♥ FEENK. labo.

8. What do you do when you’re bored?

♥ daydream. *fade in SOMEDAY MY PRINCE WILL COME. sustain until forever. then fade out.*

9. Tingin mo when ka ulit magiging in love?

♥ i'm considering. but no! hahaha. fotra. bawal. mortal sin. im so going to die.

10. Message to the other single?

♥ we rock!

11. Gano’ katagal ka ng single?

♥ 18 years. :)

12. May namimiss ka ba sa pagkaroon ng bf/gf?

♥ aywan.

13. Ready ka na bang magmahal ulit?

♥ i theeeeenk. hahaha. with Mr. Right, this time.

14. Sino naman sa tingin mo?

♥ With my Superhero.

15. Meron ka bang crush or minamahal ngaun?

♥ Crush, oo. Minamahal, oo. hahaha. my heart never ceases to beat for someone. ahahah.

16. Pano ka ba magmahal?

♥ fotra.

17. Sweet ka ba?

♥ sweet as sugar-coated sugar cubes.

18. Nahulog ka na ba sa isang malapit mong kaibigan?

♥ hmmm. nagugutom na ko. :)

19. Sino naman?

♥ lumilipad ung kaldero sa bubong ng mga tricycle. ahhahaha. :)

20. Kelan ka huling nag sariling sikap? Yan kasi single ka!

♥ weh? may ganun pala. masubukan nga.

21. Kung may magsabi sayo na crush ka niya? Ano sasabihin mo?

♥ ah. okay. thanks. :)

22. What kind of gf/bf ka ba?

♥perfect. hahaha. malay.

23. Magtatampo ka ba or magagalit kapag hindi ka niya tinext or tinawagan the whole day?

♥ eeeh. emo.

24. What will you do pag brineak ka ng bf/gf mo or pinagpalit ka sa iba?

♥ His loss. hahaha.

25. Naghahanap ka ba ng sobrang ganda/gwapo na bf/gf?

♥ Prince Charming comes in different packages

26. Paano kapag mukhang taong grasa pero mayaman?

♥ why not?

27. Kung may kanta ka sa mahal mo, anong kanta?

♥ The closer I get to you. ayun naman. hahaha.

28. Nag eexpect ka ba na babasahin to ng crush o type mo?

♥ no friggin' way! im so dead! hahaha. isabit niyo na ko sa bubong ng boarding house namin. haha. (fade in INSESITIVE. sustain until HE IS NO LONGER TANGA. Then fade out.)

29. Nainlove ka na ba sa attitude lang?

♥ hahahaha. ah. eh. yun. hahaha.

30. Madami na bang nanloko sayo?

♥ asa naman.

31. Mahilig ka ba sa singkit?

♥ OO! hahaha

32. Mahilig ka ba sa gwapo?

♥ keri! HOT GUYS!

33. Define love in one word.

♥God.

34. Last question pag nagka-bf/gf ka ba this time, do you think na kayo na till the END?

♥ kung siya, sana. kung siya, sana. kung hindi siya o siya, hindi. IDEALISTIC. i know.

Horoscope for today

2008-05-19T17:57:00.004+08:00

How perfectly timely can my horoscope for today be.

See, Athena and I, both Aquarians, will be attending the launch party of a new telco tonight at 9pm at the Rockwell Tent. Camille, who's also an Aquarian, is still undecided whether she's going with us or not.

Anywaaaaaay. Here's our horoscope for today.

The Bottom Line

A friendly visitor is going to add some serious electricity to your social network.

In Detail

A friendly visitor is coming on the scene to add quite a jolt of electricity to your social network. It looks like what you thought was going to be an average day will actually turn out to be quite above average! Whether you're playing host or you're just a member of the party, be the first person to welcome a new member to the group -- send the signal to the universe that you are ready to experience a new person in your life. This is a wonderful day to try something new.

I wonder who this person is. I'm excited. :)

A Weekend Affair

2008-05-19T17:38:00.003+08:00

I spent my weekend in Caloocan. And i loved it. It wasn't totally a break for me but at least, i was able to get even a little rest. As much as i wanted to be selfish and just think of myself over the weekend, i just couldn't. My thoughts were from time to time bombarded with my worries about my pending responsibilities. Thus, hindi rin ako nakapagpahinga. Maya't maya tinetext ko yung mga tao para sa mga dapat mangayri.

I swear, one of these days, magbbreakdown nalang talaga ako bigla. But I won't let anybody see it. hehe. wala lang. gusto ko lang talaga magrant. at magrant. at magrant. Oh well. Oh well. Oh well. I hope this doesn't happen anytime soon though.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not whining because I'm tired of what i'm doing. In fact, I love what I'm doing. I'm enjoying it. Super But i just feel saturated already. I've been studying and working and worrying non-stop since i entered UP.

Lord, i just need a day-off. Just A day-off. No worries. No responsibilities. No nothing. Please.

haaaay. hormones lang to. mind over matter. i'll get over this. i swear.

Anyway, over the weekend, i made two blog entries which i wasn't able to post because i couldn't sign in in blogger in Caloocan. Watdapak.

So there. Here's my Saturday, May 17, 2008 entry. This is posted in my Multiply blog.

**********
Before anything else, i would just like to rant rant and rant about how much i hate blogspot now. yeah, just for now. Takte talaga. Why the hell can't I sign in? I hate you, blogspot. i really do. grrr.

So there. I won't let my hate for my cheesy blog get in the way of my uberly nice mood tonight. Kung ganito lang lagi ang mood ko, masaya ang buhay. hehe.

Ayun naman. Today is the first day of my vacation. Yes, oh yes! Ngayon palang ako makakapag summaaaaaaar! For this weekend, i just want to be selfish. I don't want to think of any of my responsibilities. I just want to chillax. I just want to breathe. I just want to feel alive again.

At dahil nga BUM (i so love this word) ako ngayong weekend, wala akong ginawa kundi kumain, manuod ng american idol season marathon at magstalk sa net. haha. The last is the cause of my as-of-the-moment happyness. as. broad ass. i miss broad ass. already. :'(

Anywaaaaay. So i was stalking a few people i know. Haha. Camaaawn, hindi lang ako gumagawa nito. I know a lot of people who also do on-line stalking. hahaha. anyway, ayun nga. May iniistalk akong somebody. actually, marami sila. pero pinakanatuwa ako sa isang ito. Itago nalang naitn siya sa pangalang Mr. C. As in Mr. Crush. hahaha. Camaawn. Im so high school. haha.

Mr. C is my crush. obviously. Sabi ng mga tao, papasa daw kami bilang loveteam. Camaaawn. hahaha. Sabi ko dati, no way. haha. Hindi kasi siya ung tipo ng taong magugustuhan ko. knowing me, no way talaga. hahaha. Pero dahil sa isang hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, napansin ko siya. At simula noon, sinimulan ko na siyang pansinin. at ayun naman, tuluyan ko na siyang napapansin.

Pero kahit na may 'crush' na ako sa kanya ngayon, hindi pa rin kami puwedeng magkaroon ng something. Matibay kasi ang paniniwala ko na may gusto siyang iba. Hahaha. I really swear. I can so feeeeel that he likes her. Camaaawn. I can give 10 super mega valid reasons right now why I THINK he likes her. oo, nagmamagaling ako. I'm telling everyone that my theory is right. hahahaha. Pero chill lang. Kung gusto man niya siya, keri lang. I'm happy for them. Magsama sila. I swear. Magsama talaga silaaaaa! And no, i'm not bittergourd. I'm so not.

Hahaha. Seriously, sa pagkakakilala ko naman sa girl, oh yes, close kami. charos. hahaha. Mabuting tao naman siya kaya safe naman si Mr. C sa kanya. And i honestly think na bagay sila. NO bitterness here. promise. :) Pero kanina, habang iniistalk ko si Mr. C, parang gusto ko nalang maniwala sa mga tao na puwede nga kaming maging loveteam. camaaaaaawn. hahaha.

Kumusta naman ang jolog kong blog entry.hahaha. i swear, ang kadiri ng feeling. pero masaya. hahaha. i wouldn't elaborate on my reasons why i said we can pass for a loveteam. Pero ayun nga. Masaya lang kasi nakahanap ako ng mga rason para isiping posible nga na crush din ako ng crush ko. hahaha. Camaaawn. ang high school talaga. But don't we all just love this oh-so-high-schoolesque feeling? hahaha. jologs talaga.

Oh well. Bukas, wala na tong feeling na to. i so bet. This is just a phase. I know. Pero sana it stays with me longer. I like how this temporary happiness makes me feel happy. For a while, nakakawala siya ng mga problema. It's like living in a daydream. Lahat ng gusto mong mangyari, nangyayari. Minsan ang saya lang na lokohin ng sarili na puwedeng mangyari ung mga iniisip mo. na posibleng mangyari ung mga iniisip mo.

Pero honestly, sana nga tama ung iniisip ko ngayon. For a long time, pinaniwala ko ang sarili ko na gusto niya ung iniisip kong gusto niya. For tonight, iisipin ko muna na ako ang gusto niya. hahaha.

This weekend is all about me. Selfish ako ngayong weekend. And i so swear, it feels really good. hahahaha. :)
**********

Then on Sunday, May 18, i wrote this entry which i also posted in my multiply blog.

**********
so i've been stalking people again. :)

and yes, i found something. i found something really interesting. and intriguing. and sadly, worth jelling over.

Ayun nga. i have this crush. and i have a theory about my crush. lagi naman eh. harhar. I THINK he likes this somebody. and yes, i'm really starting to think that i'm right. I SWEAR. im sooooooo right and im sooooooo high school.

pero talaga! i swear. meron talagang saaamtheeeng. eeeeee! I INSIST. meron. ang saya. grabe, ang saya talaga. masayang masaya.

waaaaaah. :'(

oh well captain barbel. move on, hoys. move on.
**********

There. there. hahaha.

How to know if you're in love

2008-05-14T19:23:00.004+08:00

Words of Wisdom from our English 100 Professor Dr. Maria Corazon Castro

"How do you know if you're in love? Simple. When you think you're in love, then YOU ARE in love."

I think otherwise.

Hormonal Strike.

2008-05-12T23:43:00.001+08:00

I’m one with the Jeepney drivers today on their strike. But I’m not rallying for rollback of whatever. I’m rallying for two stubbornly-slash-hormonally stupid things- them and that hymn.

Them. I said I wouldn’t tell whatever-that-is to anyone. But I still did. I can never really shut my mouth. And I hate myself for that. Well, actually, I can. Hahaha. I was able to shut it for a while that’s why a number of people were surprised when I confirmed something unexpected in Pangasinan. Err, was it really unexpected? Haha. Whatever. (Oh mare, ano na iniisip mo? Hahaha)

Hemmingway, right now, I’m just overflowing with negativity towards their latest endeavor. Master Groupmate’s right, the key to our problem is open communication. But how can I talk to them about this stuff when they’re busy as hell. Nasasacrifice na nga pati iyong mga bagay na sinasabi nilang hindi masasacrifice. Yes, they are still attending to their responsibilities. But I’m not satisfied. We’re not satisfied. I wouldn’t elaborate on this anymore. There’s a better venue for this. I just hope they keep an open mind. At sana ako din.

I miss us. I really do. And it makes me really sad. I’m not really pessimistic but I’m being very pessimistic right now. Habang tumatagal kasi, lumalaki ng lumalaki ung barrier between us. Good luck. Talaga.

Second issue. Hymn. Until now, I still can’t get this hymn out of my mind. Ito na LSS ko simula pa noong Friday. I tried to get myself busy with so many many things. I ate, ate and ate. I slept all day. I played wii. I went out with my friends. But still, to no avail. Kahit na may marinig akong ibang kanta, the hymn still kept playing in my head. It’s driving me cuhraizeh. I know. And it’s not healthy anymore because the more the hymn plays in my mind; the more I tend to think of the study I’m currently working on. And as I progress with my investigation, mas napapatunayan kong tama ung theory ko. And i swear. I really have valid evidences to support my theory.

Pero kung ako lang talaga papipiliin, nooooooooooooo. I really hope I’m wrong with whatever it is that I’m THEORIZING. Hahaha.

So close and still so far.

Coward

2008-05-02T02:21:00.002+08:00

I'm such a coward.

I'm afraid of so many things. I used to be a risk-taker. Used to be. But not anymore. I can't recall when i stopped saying no to challenges. I don't know.

Right now, so many many things are going over and over my mind. I can't think properly. It's already 2 in the morning. I'm tired but i can't sleep. I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid of what will happen tomorrow.

I don't want to do it.

And yes, it hurts me to know that i'm hurting the people i love because of this crap. Can't we just go on with our lives without this?

Again, i don't want to do it.

But do i really have a choice?

What i WANT to believe in.

2008-04-22T15:59:00.001+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This is an abstract post. I can't blog what i really want to say because people can't, err, no, MUSN'T know what I really want to say. It's complicated. Really.

So we all have our own opinions with regard to the issues around us.

As for me, i know what i believe in and i stand for what i believe in. I very much acknowledge my being stubborn when it comes to my beliefs- because i know i have a point.

But lately, i can feel my stubborn-meter slowly fluctuating. I'm being tempted to actually believe that what i believe in is not what i should believe in. Granted, I already accepted that for others, i may be wrong. But going against what i believe in is something else. Worse, i'm actually choosing to go against what i believe in.

Maybe they're right. Maybe this is just my pride eating me.

Point is, I'm tired of rationalizing things. Sometimes, i just want to go with the flow. Say yes with whatever people tell me just so i can end the discussion.

They're right. I overthink. I overanalyze.

I know, this post is not going anywhere. I'm really not good in abstracting my ideas.

Oh well.

Not so summery thoughts

2008-04-18T15:22:00.003+08:00

I'm driving myself crazy.

I've been consumed with so many many uninvited thoughts lately. And i don't like it.

I want to disappear. I want to burst. I want to dissolve. I want to melt. I want to evaporate. I want to vanish.

End, please. End.

Not liking being in like

2008-04-03T04:21:00.001+08:00

Lately, I've been so pre-occupied with the thoughts of love. And i don't like it. It's not doing me any good. It's confusing me big deal. It's knocking the senses out of my rotting brain. I can't think properly. From time to time, it consumes me. Entirely. I don't know.

It's just so disturbing. I've been here. And i know, i should know better. But in a way, it's like a whole new idea for me. Worse, it affects me big time. It affects the way i move, the way i think, the way i eat, the way i sleep, even the way i tie my hair.

I'm not in love. I can't be in love.

I like somebody. And yeah. I'm so aware of it. duh? But I'm not yet in love with him. No. Slash the yet. I can't be in love with him. I can't. I so can't. Really.

Ours is actually a nice story. Emphasis on the present tense. Funny how everything started, developed, and brought me to where i am right now. He's somebody very very special to me. And entertaining this stupid feeling might only put an end in our friendship. I actually like it better this way. We get along very well. We go out. As friends. We hang out almost everyday. We know each other so well. We've seen the worst of each other. We've already shared so many stupid, funny, weird but altogether wonderful experiences. And i just can't afford to put everything at risk just because I'm not thinking.

I didn't see this coming. Really. Never in my life did i invite this feeling to consume me. I'm stupid enough to entertain a hundred other stupid feelings. But liking somebody i can't like is just something else.

It started as a joke. I started the joke. I shouldn't have started the joke.

I didn't know that it would have such a lasting effect. That time will come when it will lead us somewhere else. No, not us. Just me. I asked for it. But i can't remember asking for him. I know. Who are we to demand who shall and shall not be given to us?

Point is. It's driving me nuts. And right now, i'm pathetic enough to try anything just to divert my attention to something else. Or somebody else. I know, i'm not being fair. But it's hard. It's really hard. It's the only way out that i see. Unless somebody gives me a better idea. I'd be more than willing to consider.

Friendship for me is something that's very precious. I wouldn't risk losing it for something as shallow as romantic relationship. Fine. Slash the shallow. Insert any other appropriate adjective. I know, romantic relationship is also something as special as friendship. But when you're left with no other choices but to play it safe and save the friendship or to take the risk and gamble it all, i'll take the former. I may not be a winner. But at least, i did not lose anything. And that's what's more important. One over nothing.

I know, i'm being stubborn. A lot of people have told me that this mindset is wrong. That I'm wrong.

And i know i am.

But i don't know. As much as i want to accept i'm wrong, i still cannot accept the fact that i'm actually in LIKE with him. Big deal. potra.

I know i've already made my point.

And i also know that i'm wrong.

So shut me down, please. Shut me down.

Something Stupid

2008-04-03T04:03:00.000+08:00

Something i found while multiply-hopping.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Good Afternoon. Try to look at the sky, do you think it’s gonna rain? It so amazing to feel rain, the water that flows into you is unstoppable, sometimes raging so fast or maybe gently pours down. Rain is like love. What is love? Love is a very powerful word. It is an unstoppable emotion that is supposed to be felt by every one of us. When someone is in love, actions are set to do in order to show the love and to bind it into a relationship. See that’s what love can do, but does the same thing happen to all of us? The answer is no, there are some love which are not bound to happy ending. Sad but that’s a fact that becomes a part of the Earth’s rotation.

How can you tell to someone that you’re in love with him/ her? It’s too hard, isn’t it? It takes a lot of courage but sometimes the bravery that you have will turn into misery. A thing that can ruin you or mold you to be a better person. Is it fair? I think it is because having the courage to love you should also have the courage to suffer too and love without pain is impossible.

Love can be magic but as we all know magic can sometimes be an illusion. Why can’t it be real? There are certain reasons why can’t we have the love that we are aiming for. Listen to the following phenomena. First, let me ask you, “Who are your celebrity crushes?” have you ever think that a famous celebrity have a feeling for you? Well if you answered a big yes you might be experiencing erotomania a phenomena in which you think a celebrity is falling in love with you and you think that person is your soul mate. Sounds impossible, isn’t it? But it is happening most especially to the teen-agers. Next, who is your best friend? Who are you’re friends? I can tell you who you are by knowing them but I can’t tell if you’ll be falling in love with each other. Respect is what attached person in friendship and it is set to be destroyed by love especially at the end of your story. How about this, is there anyone on your same sex that arouse your interest or maybe a member of your family that you want to build in with? Its more complicated because here people involved thinks about what the people that surrounds them are set to think, it seems like you care a lot about what the society has to say. When we fall in love, it’s the soul that is captured and fighting with it will not be easy. Those alibis are good excuses why can’t you have the love but what if there’s nothing really wrong. What if the reason is just simply the person just don’t like you? That’s the hardest reason possible I think.

The heart broken times, the time where in you're saying that you're an idiot falling for the wrong person. There are times that you're all alone, sleeping and waiting to be woke up by him/ her but unfortunately, and no face appeared as you open your eyes the next morning. We usually do certain things in order to erase that person in your mind. One would probably said that finding another love is the best thing others may moved on with their life and do a lot of things and making their selves busy by giving time for their family, studies, career or even social life. But is forgetting someone who put scar on your face that easy? No, some would probably be stuck in that moment, be a hostage of the love and be trapped there, believing, being faithful, and learning to love without anything in return.

What’s the best option among the list that I have given a while ago? Actually it depends on the person; whatever the choice is let’s respect it. Whatever it is the love inside will never die, still remaining there. I think loving someone without anything in return is a big blessing, its true love, the love that everybody wants but unfortunately ignoring it when its there. The efforts you have would where simply be wasted. It is somewhat like there's a glass that fell on your feet and the blood is already dripping but that person just looks at you, still unconscious, looking but never knew that you did that to get the attention. You'll be doing that until the time that you realized that you became addicted. In your thoughts, in your dreams, that person is always there. He/She is like a leech that sucks blood from you and you can't breathe and you can't see the world without him/her, that person has taken over you and you realized that you need to be fixed.

On the time that you realized you lose yourself and the damage has been done for you, that's the time wherein all you think is how to fight the feeling, how to kill it, it is the hardest part in love. Why are you afraid of losing that person when you know that he/she is not aware that you exist? Forgetting someone is not easy, one must solve the problem in order to forget and its not easy that why the next best option is set to come, to avoid, try to let go. Letting go is not to forget, not to think or to ignore. It doesn't have any feelings of sadness, emptiness, hatred, anger, jealousy or regret. It’s not about pride and it’s not dwelling on the past or blocking memories. Most of all it’s not about giving up and being a loser. To let go is to cherish the memories, to be thankful to the memories that made you laugh, cry and grow but to overcome it and moved on. Its learning, experiencing and growing molded together. It’s having a confidence in the future. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and accept there are things that cannot be, and the strength to keep moving. It’s to open a door and to clear a path and set yourself free.

You realized that the time of departure is already there and as we travel we carry something with us. Everybody would probably agree that its nice to travel with someone who can lighten up our load, but usually its easier to just drop what we've been carrying so we can get to our destination sooner even though there's still no place to land on. Where will we go? Why do we clutch at that baggage even when were desperate to move? Because we still believe that a chance is still there and believing on it, letting go will not be possible instead we walk away to the lovely sunshine that is waiting for us and do the same mistake again, instead of killing it, you already lose control and waking up from this nightmare seems impossible and all you can do is to pray let it be over.

Ladies and gentlemen, a while ago I said that in order to feel love I must be ready to suffer. I feel bad because you, the one who opened my heart was not the one for me but do I have the right to blame you? The answer is no because you didn't asked for it but did you ever realized that you did something to me one day, the day you break my suit of armor by simply taking over me. I'm not the same person I was 2 days ago since that day. Something is different and I can't figure it out and I know I can’t never be that me again. I call your name over and over, like a refrain. I became your hostage; you ate me and leave me like the last piece of cookie in the jar, all alone and broken. I’ve been lickin’ my wounds but the venom seeps deeper and I’m about to break that’s why I need to walk away from you that's why I cried a river and made a bridge that I’m about to pass. I know I can pass the bridge without looking back at your side, without regretting that I passed it. The time that I can be on the other side of the bridge, smiling and facing the lovely day that I've should felt before when I was with you. I know that day will come, very soon, very very soon.

credits to mondee of PEX.

Okay. Okay. I understand that there are a lot of grammatical errors here. But for once, let's try to focus our attention to what he's trying to say and not to how he's saying what he's trying to say. Come to think of it, he pointed out some realities that we already know but wouldn't want to know. And so we pretend to not know.

It eats you. Slowly.

I'm not in love. I can't be in love.

Maging Sino Ka Man Book2

2008-04-01T19:02:00.000+08:00

I wasn't able to see the end of Maging Sino Ka Man Book2. But from what i heard, it wasn't able to sustain the enthusiasm among its viewers since it started airing again. Oh well. One thig that i love the most about this show, aside from Anne Curtis, is the quotable quotes of the characters. They're so passionate. Aylavet.

Eli: Kung merong mang higit sa salitang ‘mahal kita’, yun ang pagmamahal ko para sa’yo, Jackie.

Onay: wasakin ang puso mo..Paano mo pipigilan ang tadhana...? paano mo isusuko ang pag-ibig na alam mong kayang.?

JB: Celine, I will never love anybody else, as much as i love you..
Celine: Love, what if... what if...
JB: There are no what ifs for my love for you...

Someday. Someday.

Bakit wala pa akong boyfriend?

2008-04-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

I found this in the egroup of my committee in my org, UP-CMC BROADcasting ASSociation.

Could the real fish please stand up?

I have no pretensions about who I am. Modesty aside, I'm physically
attractive, I'm smart, I'm accomplished and I have a great zest for
life. I have managed to go through 21 years of existence and could still
afford to look like 16. I'm complete, I'm self-assured, but somehow,
there's just this one thing I can't understand no matter what: why do I keep on attracting the wrong fish?

When I was in grade school, when I meet relatives or family friends, the standard questions were: "Anong grade mo na?" "Saan ko magha-highschool?" Occasionally somebody would ask me, "May boyfriend ka na?" To that last question I would answer in the negative and that's the end of the matter. When I was in highschool, relatives, family friends and classmates ask me questions like, "Anong course kukunin mo?" "Saan ka magco-college?" "May boyfriend ka na?" I would reply in the negative and it won't bother me. Much too young for that to be bothered, I suppose. When I was in college, people would ask me, "Anong karera ang gusto mo?" "May boyfriend ka na ba?" And to that question I would answer in the negative and promise to myself that I would have a boyfriend after I graduate.

Now I have graduated. I went through grade school, highschool and college with flying colors. I have a degree, I have a job. Uh-oh, I say to myself, for I know what that one question people would be asking me this time. "May boyfriend ka na ba?" In fact, people have asked me that question more frequently these days. And of course, my standard answer is, "Wala." But you know what? Believe me or not, that's not the worse part. I dread the question that follows that: "Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend?" How the hell should I know?! I'm not the guy I like!
Sometimes I feel like answering back in that manner, but of course I just try to calm down and keep quiet. That last question is rhetorical ... it's something that only a member of the male species who has met me can answer.

A male friend of mine told me once, "There are many fish in the sea."
Ok, so I got heartbroken over a guy in class whom I carried a torch for
the first 3 years of my college life, and after that I fell in love with
a guy whom I have just met for some days and who is now in a foreign
country, studying. Fine, they're not the only "fish in the sea." I have
encountered some guys who became my friends and who would later on confess they have a crush on me, they love me or they really like me.
They're nice and all, we get along pretty well, but I can't still get
over the fact that they're the wrong fish!

Wrong fish --- you know, the types who, no matter how handsome or kind or gentleman or Mr. Perfect they are you just don't have any other thing with them but friendship. Period.

Wrong fish --- the ones whom you regret to have fallen for you because they could have saved themselves the heartache by not falling for you had they fallen in love with somebody else... who would really love them.

Why do I keep on attracting the wrong fish? "Maybe that's because you're using the wrong bait," a friend
of mine told me once. But I'm not using any bait at all. I'm just me.

My friends have offered a lot of theories about why I am still
boyfriend-less. The main school of thought is that guys are intimidated
by me. With my background, reputation and personality, guys feel short
of what should be for me. And my reaction to that? To hell with
intimidation. I'm not intimidating at all, and even if I am, why should
that matter? This is not some freaking competition. But I suppose there
is a certain truth to that, one way or another. Relationships consist of
people who match each other, right?

It's a good thing I'm a person of good humor. I don't let the standard,
"May boyfriend ka na?" get on my nerves. We unattached kindred say that
it's ok, because our market value is increasing . Or my friends and I
used to kid around, using Eminem's Slim Shady line, saying, "Could the
real fish please stand up?" That, a tall glass of iced tea and a piece
of sour cream donut at Country Style and I'm a-ok.

If it were only that simple. Of course in the real world, the real fish won't show up right away. I have to go through a lot of struggles before
I see him, I know. In every major event in my life I go through that
hardships-tears-dream-come-true-happiness-Oh-thank-God cycle.

After 21 years of that cycle ...

I know better.

I know it's going to take me more
courage and more growing up, more 8 hours of work, more single
Valentine's, more "May boyfriend ka na ba?" and "Bakit wala ka pang
boyfriend?" before I meet the real fish. Maybe in the end it's that guy
I loved in first year college. Or maybe it's that guy who left for a
foreign country to study. Or maybe it's somebody I have never met at
all.

In the meantime, I'm still the pleasant, smart, boyfriend-less me. High market value and all.

Hell yeah. I can relate big time. hahaha.

So Close

2008-03-31T23:43:00.001+08:00

So Close by Jon Mclaughlin

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Define Ideal.
Define Sweet.
Define Romantic.

Who wouldn't fall in love with this song?

Listening to this song brings me back to the good old days of my childhood where believing in happy endings was anything but impossible.

And as Enchanted would convey, if believing meant having your fairy tale come true, then i'd rather be a child forever and wish upon every star at night just to have my own happily ever after.

Group Date. Cancelled.

2008-03-31T18:30:00.000+08:00

I'm so pissed off, frustrated and depressed.

I'm so gaga, i'm actually crying while typing this entry.

You know the feeling when you want something so bad yet you can't have it? You get frustrated because you know that no matter what you do, you can't get whatever it is that you want to get. Because you don't have control over the situation. Then out of frustration, you get pissed off. You project your disappointment to anything. You regress as if it'll give you what you want. You get depressed because after exhausting all known defense mechanisms, still you can't do anything. You still got nothing- the most tangible nothing ever.

Wow.

We were supposed to go out tonight. A long overdue group date, we finalized our plans last night via text. But due to some unforeseen circumstances, we had to cancel our gimik.

I've long been looking forward to this. I don't know. Maybe because I miss us. I miss the way we were before. (Oh shit. I'm crying again.) Sure, there were those intrigas but we were happy. I don't know. We're still happy. But a lot of things have changed over time. We grew old fast. I guess that's just how it is in Broad Ass. We're officers now. President and Vice Presidents. And drew's not a resident anymore. So Responsibilities + Proximity = Less chances of doing what we were doing before. No G moments. But really really happy moments.

This date means a lot to me. Too bad we had to cancel.

If only i could turn back time then nobody will have to grow old. Nobody will have to leave.

I really really really hate this.

Oh well.

Someday, groupmates. Someday.

Clumsy Clumsy Baby

2008-03-30T23:42:00.000+08:00

So I'm home alone.

I was really not planning to go back in my boarding house tonight since the press con tomorrow will start at 1pm. But! But! But! i need to clean the room. I left it really messy last saturday since i didn't have enough time to tidy up because the press con finished later than expected. And len and her 'mama' will be arriving tomorrow at 7am. So i guess i don't have any choice.

I'm home alone and i need to clean the room. I've been here for an hour already but i haven't started cleaning up yet. Im still waiting for my newly-manicured-but-already-destroyed fingernails to dry to prevent them from being destroyed more. I've never had a perfect manicure in my life. I'm really beginning to think that i'm the clumsiest person ever.

Which reminds me, just last week, i broke my laptop. Yep, you got that right.

Again. Just last week, i broke my laptop.

It was very stupid, i know. My gulay, where the hell will i get money to buy myself a new one. Good thing it's summer and i won't need it as much as i need it during school season.

Then again, that's not the point. I'm really going cuhraizier and cuhraizier everyday. argh.

So what happened was, I was writing a paper for a report we were doing then. I was feeling so happy because i had already finished 6 pages of the write-up (our target was only 5 pages) and i wasn't even done yet. I took a break for a while to relax my lower back, which was killing me again that time. I was talking with i-forgot-who (bigs or shie) when longjay told me that Bianca buzzed. I don't know what got into me but i felt really excited to know why biancs buzzed. So I stood up and hurried to longjay. Then it happened. I tripped and compakyu fell on the floor.

For 5 min, i didn't know how i'd feel. I wanted to cry but i couldn't. Then i texted my mom what happened. It was only after hearing her voice that i started crying like a baby.

So there. I just want to forget about what happened to compakyu. Right now, he's still in comatose. Let's all pray for his immediate recovery.

Compakyu, the Compaq V2000.

It's a Blog's life.

2008-03-29T06:08:00.000+08:00

I've long been wanting to have a new blog. It has already been 2 years since my last blog entry in my livejournal, which doesn't work anymore because i forgot my password.

So there. I'm moving on now. I created a new blog. And i love it.